Verona, at the blue hour: a balcony, two coffees, and a rose.

In the episode about Italian gestures, we saw that we Italians also speak with our hands. Today we take a step further and talk about affection: how to say "ti voglio bene" in Italian, and how to say it without words, with a kiss on the cheek or with a hug.

On this topic, Italy and Asia are far apart, and that is precisely why it is nice to talk about it together. There is no right way and no wrong way: there are different habits. We will tell you about ours, with their nice sides and their less pleasant ones. Yours, if you like, you can tell us.

«Ti voglio bene» or «ti amo»?

In English, "I love you" is enough. In Italian, there are two phrases, and they cannot be swapped.

«Ti voglio bene» is the phrase of the family: parents say it to their children and children to their parents, grandparents to their grandchildren, brothers and sisters to each other. Word for word, it means "I want your good," that is: I wish you to be well. People in love say it too, every day.

Between friends, however, be careful. Close female friends say it to each other, and it is wonderful. Men, between male friends, almost never. And outside of these cases, said to a friend, it might make them think you are hitting on them!

«Ti amo» is the phrase of love: it is said only to the person you are in love with. It is strong and important: saying it after two dates might scare the other person away!

The stages of love, from the lightest to the strongest.

In a love story, usually, the phrases arrive in this order: first «mi piaci», then «ti voglio bene», and only at the end «ti amo».

In Japanese, it seems to us, something similar happens: «好き» is used a lot, «愛してる» is rarely said, almost exclusively in movies and songs. It is even said that the writer Natsume Sōseki translated "I love you" as «月が綺麗ですね», "the moon is beautiful, isn't it?". It is a beautiful story, but it is a legend: it is nowhere to be found in his writings. Is «愛してる» truly that rare? You tell us.

«Mi piace» and «mi piaci»: one letter changes everything

Watch out for a grammatical trap. «Mi piace» is used for things: «Mi piace il caffè», «Mi piace Roma». But with a person, the phrase changes: «Mi piaci» means that you are attracted to that person, that you are interested in them romantically. It is the first step of courtship!

In Japanese, «好き» works both for coffee and for a person; in Italian, it does not. So, if you want to tell the teacher that her lessons are nice, say «Mi piacciono le tue lezioni», not «Mi piaci»! And to a nice friend? «Sei simpaticissima!» works just fine. «Ti voglio bene», on the other hand, save it for your closest female friend.

Other words of affection

«Mi manchi»

It is said to someone who is far away. It works like «mi piaci»: word for word it is "you are missing to me," and the one who is missing is the other person.

«Ti adoro!»

Between friends, laughing: "Did you bring me a pastry? Ti adoro!". Said laughing, over a small thing, it is an affectionate joke; said seriously, it is another story.

«Ti voglio tanto bene»

Stronger than «ti voglio bene». There is also «ti voglio un mondo di bene». In text messages, it is written in short: «TVB» and «TVTB».

«Un bacio · Un abbraccio · Baci»

At the end of a message or a phone call, within the family, between lovers, and between female friends: it is very common. It is not a declaration of love: it is an affectionate greeting.

«Amore · Tesoro · Caro, cara»

These are pet names: between lovers and in the family, «Amore, a che ora torni?». But in Rome or Naples it can happen that the lady at the coffee shop says «Ciao amore, che ti do?» to you: she has not fallen in love with you, it is just her way of being friendly.

The body speaks: kisses, hugs, caresses

In Italy, affection is also expressed with the body. Here are the habits that most surprise those arriving from Asia.

The two kisses

Two friends greet each other: cheek to cheek.

It is the most Italian greeting of all: two kisses on the cheeks, one on the right and one on the left. In reality, the lips barely touch: you bring your cheeks close and make the kissing sound.

Between female friends it is very common, and also between a man and a woman who are friends. Often people also greet each other this way with someone they have just met, for example at the end of an evening out together. Between male friends it happens, but a bit less. In a formal meeting, however, a handshake is enough.

And at the office? Between colleagues, usually, no kisses: it's not like every morning, when arriving at work, people kiss each other! Kisses come on special occasions, for Christmas greetings or for a birthday, even in a fairly formal environment.

If you don't know which side to start on, let the Italian take the lead. And if you bump noses, you laugh about it together.

A kiss can also be declined

Alain remembers well an interview with Catherine Deneuve. A journalist wanted to greet her with a kiss, and she replied, as she always did, that she only kisses the people she loves. Said with a smile, and with great elegance: a kiss on the cheek is a gift, not an obligation.

Catherine Deneuve in 1966.

The kiss for mom

Sunday lunch: first of all, a kiss for mom.

A forty-year-old man arriving for Sunday lunch and kissing his mother on the cheek: in Italy, this is completely normal. From this also stems the stereotype of the «mammone», the son deeply attached to his mother… and we must admit, there is a bit of truth to it!

Lovers in public

A kiss in the square: all around, no one turns to look.

In Italy, couples hold hands, hug, and kiss on the street, on benches, at the station. No one turns to look. A long and passionate kiss in the middle of a crowd, however, will make even Italians smile or turn up their noses.

Italy's most famous kiss, then, is a painting: «Il bacio» by Francesco Hayez, at the Pinacoteca di Brera, in Milan. Two young people kiss on a stairway; he already has one foot on the step, ready to depart. It was painted in 1859, during the years when a unified Italy was coming into being, and many also see a patriotic message in it.

Francesco Hayez, «Il bacio», 1859. Pinacoteca di Brera, Milan.

What about where you live? Japan, Korea, China

Here we speak cautiously, because these are your countries and not ours: you tell us if we have understood correctly.

Japan

A bow and a hug: two ways of saying "so great to see you!".

In Japan, from what we have seen and read, affection is shown more through attentiveness than through physical contact: people greet each other with a bow, and even between lovers, public kissing is rare. It is a way of caring that respects the other's personal space, and many Italians find it elegant. A fun fact: the word «スキンシップ» sounds English, but it originated in Japan! And from Japan it also arrived in Korea, where it is called «스킨십».

Korea

In Seoul: two friends arm-in-arm and, behind them, a couple dressed in matching outfits.

In Korea, two female friends, and sometimes even two male friends, walk arm-in-arm or hand-in-hand: it is purely friendship, and no one sees anything else in it. Between couples, on the other hand, public displays of affection are more discreet than in Italy, but love is shown in other ways: couples dress in matching outfits (the «커플룩», the couple look) and celebrate their hundredth day together. And «사랑해» is heard often, even within the family and at concerts, where singers say it to their fans.

China

"Have you eaten?": in China, affection often arrives this way.

Many Chinese people share that their parents almost never say «我爱你»: they express affection through food, and with a question, "have you eaten?". Young couples, on the other hand, have invented a code: 520 (wǔ èr líng), which sounds almost like «我爱你». Thus, May 20th, that is 5/20, has become a sort of second Valentine's Day. And «宝贝» (bǎobèi), the pet name between lovers, means exactly the same as our «tesoro»!

Pros and cons. Italian warmth makes one feel immediately at home, and a hug sometimes says more than a hundred words. But it carries a risk: mistaking familiarity for consent. The discretion of Japan, Korea, and China protects everyone's personal space, and no one finds themselves touched against their will. Its risk, perhaps, is the opposite: that affection remains unsaid. But only you can tell us about that.

When contact crosses the line

There is also a less pleasant side, and we mention it honestly. Precisely because physical contact is normal in Italy, some people take advantage of it and hide behind a «da noi si fa così».

The photo with the cosplayer: he is smiling, she is not.

A few examples: at comic conventions, someone asking for a photo with a cosplayer and holding her tighter than necessary, with a hand sliding down to her hip; a cheek kiss from an almost stranger that lingers for too long; a "friendly" hug that never seems to end; on a crowded bus, a hand resting on you "by accident." For this last one, Italian even has an expression: «fare la mano morta». At conventions all over the world today, one often reads a sign: «Cosplay is not consent»: a costume is not permission to touch.

The rule applies to Italians as well: among friends and relatives yes, with people who don't know you, you ask. And if someone goes too far, say it loud and clear, like Catherine Deneuve but without any need to smile. No decent Italian will be offended:

Scusi, no. · Non mi tocchi! · Mi dà fastidio. · Mi lasci stare!

Romeo and Juliet: a love born in Verona

And now, a bit of romance. The most famous love story in the world is set in Italy, in Verona. Everyone thinks of Shakespeare, but before him, Italians had already told it: around 1530 Luigi Da Porto, a gentleman from Vicenza, wrote about two young people from Verona, Romeo and Juliet, children of two rival families. Shakespeare discovered it many years later, through other translations.

Verona, Juliet's House and her balcony. Photo: trolvag, CC BY-SA 3.0.

In Verona stands Juliet's House, featuring the most photographed balcony in Italy. A little secret: the balcony was added in the 1930s. But love does not care about this: every year thousands of letters from all over the world arrive for Juliet, and a group of female volunteers, the «segretarie di Giulietta», replies to every single one.

Nearly everyone knows two lines from the play. Juliet says the first one at night, from the balcony, unaware that Romeo is listening to her:

«Romeo, Romeo, perché sei tu Romeo?»

Notice: Juliet is not asking "where are you?", she is asking "why": why must it be you, the son of the enemy family? And immediately after, she delivers the second line:

«Che cos’è un nome? Quella che chiamiamo rosa, anche con un altro nome, avrebbe lo stesso profumo.»

That is to say: your family's name doesn't matter, you matter. In Japan, many have also seen this story in the theatre: the Takarazuka Revue has been staging it since 2010.

Francesco Hayez, «The Last Kiss of Romeo and Juliet», 1823. Villa Carlotta, Tremezzina (Lake Como).

And body language? Even in the play, love starts with the hands: when they meet for the first time, at the ball, Romeo and Juliet first touch palm to palm, and only afterwards comes the kiss.

Little romantic Italian traditions

Baci Perugina. These chocolates were born in Perugia in 1922. Inside each one is a love note, the «cartiglio»: lovers exchange them, and the shyer ones let the chocolate do the talking. And the kissing couple on the logo? It was designed by Federico Seneca, inspired precisely by Hayez's «Bacio», which you saw above.

The Baci Perugina trademark, registered in 1923.

Love padlocks. In 2006, the writer Federico Moccia wrote, in the novel «Ho voglia di te», about two lovers who lock a padlock onto a lamppost on Rome's Ponte Milvio and throw the key into the Tiber. Thousands of couples imitated them: there were so many padlocks that in 2012 the city council had to remove them.

Rome, the lamppost on Ponte Milvio covered in padlocks.

The one-minute review

All the phrases from this episode, to keep handy on Wednesday.

Ti voglio bene: within the family, between lovers, between close female friends.

Ti amo: only to the person you are in love with.

Mi piaci: I'm attracted to you: the first step.

Mi piace…: for things: coffee, Rome, a movie.

Mi manchi: to someone who is far away.

Ti adoro!: laughingly, over a small thing.

Un bacio · Un abbraccio: to say goodbye, at the end of a message.

Amore · Tesoro: pet names.

Scusi, no. · Mi lasci stare!: when someone goes too far.

Let's try together

On Wednesday we will play «ti voglio bene o ti amo?»: Alain says a person or a situation (mom, best friend, boyfriend, coworker, dog, a delicious pizza...) and you choose the right phrase. Be careful: sometimes the right answer is "neither of the two"! Then, if you'd like, you can tell us how affection is expressed in your country: in the family, among friends, between lovers. You can answer aloud, by typing in the chat, or even just listen.

When: Wednesday, 4 November at 9:00 PM, Tokyo time (1:00 PM in Italy).

How to join: sign up for free at Yuujou and, at the time of the meeting, tap «Talk Room» in the menu.

Sources. Luigi Da Porto, «Historia novellamente ritrovata di due nobili amanti» (circa 1530) · Juliet's House and Juliet Club (italia.it; NPR, 2013) · Takarazuka Revue, «ロミオとジュリエット» (since 2010) · Francesco Hayez, «The Kiss» (1859, Pinacoteca di Brera) and «The Last Kiss of Romeo and Juliet» (1823, Villa Carlotta) · Baci Perugina, history of the brand (baciperugina.com; Italian Trademark Museum) · Il Post and Fanpage on the Ponte Milvio locks · Fanlore, «Cosplay is not consent» · All About Japan on the phrase attributed to Natsume Sōseki · drawings: AI; Hayez paintings, Baci trademark, and Catherine Deneuve photo: public domain.

Written by AI, in collaboration with Alain.